Back again

Goodness me, it's been a while.

I have missed the Internet dearly. There are so many questions I have wanted to ask, but have not been able to find the answers to. There are also friends I have wanted to speak to, but have struggled to stay in touch. Hopefully today will be the start of good things. I could do with good things happening.

Again.

Today is a difficult day.

Painting Suffering

Sometimes I notice the signs; The lack of eye contact, the nervous laughter, the fidgeting fingers. 'I'm okay.' 'I'm fine'. From what I understand, it is usually best to be open about suffering. That means, to be open about your own suffering and other people's suffering. Kind people usually do more of the latter, rejecting their own selves for an 'ethically selfless' approach; that is, to help others, even when it disadvantages them. This is potentially unhealthy, as this may cause more suffering to be produced and cause others to become dependant on the suffering of others for their own happiness. These dependant people are like leeches to their friends, but become addicted to an endless cycle which can fertile depression. The kind people are like cattle that end up having their blood drainied dry, and then still try to give away some more. We all need blood to survive, but without having any for ourselves we fall. Without much we go very, very dizzy.

It should be understood that it is illogical to presume that a 'leech' was a worst person to a 'cattle'. Both have equal potential to partake in a doomed cycle. Because there are so many reasons for suffering, both the leech and the cattle will have reasons for their behaviour and it does not make them a 'better' or 'worse' person. Perhaps part of being free of the burdens that both behaviours bring is asking oneself if they are a leech or a cattle, and then considering what makes them happy. Seeking awareness of what is going on inwards [yourself] and outwards [the outside world] and seeking happiness seems a good path to take to me.

How people may cope with suffering
Here's a few habits I've noticed which are signs that somebody may be suffering.
 
- Explaining the reasons for their personality again and again
- Anger
- Random fits of emotion
- Withdrawal
- Paranoia/fear
- Indulging - Thrillseeking, risk taking, over eating, drinking
- Inducing - self harm, causing one to become ill, rejecting one's self
- Procrastination - i.e - avoiding sensitive topics

  There are many, many more signs that have not been included in the list. Observation and trusting in honesty is the key.

There was once a time I was ashamed of my illness which involved constantly going to the bathroom. One year the bathroom happened to be beside a housemate's bedroom, and I feel that perhaps, having someone constantly nip in and cry now and then is quite unsettling. [It's pretty reasonable really.] Perhaps, if I explained my illness, if I could imagine that it would be fine, accepted, understood, the house would have suffered a little less. I should have been honest about my suffering.


Don't forget to communicate.

The power of gradients

Sometimes during procrastination I upload old photos into Photoshop and edit them. Usually they're just a bit silly and pointless and are often discarded, but now and then a tweak turns out to be a useful and lo and behold, a photo can look just a tad more exciting.

Introducing, the gradient.

Original photo. One of the bridges I saw in Budapest.

Edited photo.

Can you notice the difference? Wiith a simple gradient that goes from black to white to black on a seperate layer set to 'Overlay', the photo can look more dramatic. I find gradients are a quick, effective tool for the casual photoshop user which is effiicient for photos and even for drawing. Just check out Lostie815 for her manga-style hair colouring tutorial advice.

Missing photography

An old photo from my campus

I miss my camera. It would be nice to start taking photos again and add a bit of colour to the blog. I have been mainly trying to do my dissertation and keep strong. As a friend told me, I am juggling a lot of balls at once. Things are difficult but not yet impossible.

When things are calm I hope to paint some chinese brush painting style rabbits for a very close friend back at home.

Struggling

When I arrived at the council building there was a large fence towering above me. Builders worked by the front doors, so I had to find another entrance. As I walked inside, there were no sign posts, no one to ask for directions. I began the day feeling optimistic but it was not to last.

After several minutes I asked one of the 'official' ladies who watched me stand awkwardly in front of her, who then informed me that I was in the wrong area of the building and had to go left, inside a large hall full of colours and people. Inside the hall there were several desks, machines, circular see-through offices standing in the middle, a café, posters and chairs scattered around the place unordinarly.

It was strange that Bath council, the place where I were to ask for financal help, was to represent my situation in such a terrifyingly realisitic way. There were several voices in the background which disorienated my surroundings and no obvious point or reception to ask who to talk to. I stood nervously, trying to pinpoint what exactly I needed to do, but the only information I recieved from friends and my career consultant was that 'the council could help'. And so I stood and watched the circus before me. Slowly, the despair I had been feeling for the last few weeks began to reboil in my blood. Just as I was about to turn around a lady said something to me, but I couldn't understand her. She walked to another person and left me with them, who asked what I needed.

This lady was far easier to talk to, and she recommended I talk to the Citizens Advice Bureau. She told me to 'take a seat' which I found a little funny as there were small groups of seats everywhere and I had no idea which seats she meant. I guessed and waited my turn.

Cutting the story short, I eventually met a lady from the CAB who was very helpful and kind. She listened to my situation and pinpointed me to to talk to housing benefits, knowing that I had no where to live. She also said I might be able to get a list of landlords from them, but when we asked a lady together she did not want to help and seemed to think it was ridiculous that we were to even ask her. The lady we talked to together said there was absolutely no chance in getting a council house/flat/etc, then complained about how busy she was and how understaffed it was today. I moved on to another section of the hall and the staff wrote on the paper what housing benefits I might be entitled to. Only, she would only know for sure when I were renting.

Then I saw a good friend, and the despair went away for a little while again.

Moon Flower

Despite being 21 I still don't have regular periods. But today is the dawn of the moon flower and I feel like I have suddenly doubled in weight. It's work today. I better stop stalling and get ready.

Forward thinking

When life gets busy my blogs tend to get a little left behind. After having a good conversation with an old friend who reminded me about my blogs I thought it was time for another update.

So what have I been up to recently?

It is the beginning of a brand new journey, as university slowly comes to a close and old friends leave the area. There have been many gatherings and farewells which has hasn't really sunk in yet. I hope to stay in the area personally, although Bath itself is very expensive. I'm looking for cosy looking places where I could live by myself or with a non-student close friend. I would like to move forward, get another job and set myself up to start a company at the beginning of next year.

I will be having to skip sofa to sofa but I think the effort is a good investment for a pleasant future for me.

Recently I hosted my own gathering to celebrate my 21st birthday. It was fantastic - a lot of my close friends attended and I felt truly loved. It was a wonderful experience to see friends new and old, and even to conduct a successful Paranoia RPG improvisation with my friends. Paranoia is one of my favourite rpg tabletop games and tends to get good reactions from friends who play it with me, I would like to make a blog post about it in the future. In short, rpg games such as Paranoia encourages my confidence and storytelling skills. I hope to host other games, especially horror themed.

Also at my birthday two wonderful chefs baked me delicious cakes which was amazing, both to look at and to eat! Unfortunately I don't have any photos, but they brought a huge smile to my face. When I came home the following day my parents also gave me a cake with a special photo made of icing on top. Of course, it was myself at one years old. It was both embarrassing and awesome at the same time. I was also lucky enough to receive a violin and I have been practising Rains of Castamere. Perhaps I shouldn't advertise my instruments so much though, otherwise no one will want to live with me again in the future!

On that note, one of my housemates this year said that they found me a great housemate to live with which really touched me. I really adore every friend I've had this year, everyone has been fantastic.

I have of course been delving in the creative side of life, as always. Other than practising music I have been writing both fiction and academia. I have also been working on my games, The Girl and the Dragon, Little Cat and a brand new game called 'Cognatus' which I am very excited about. I will probably introduce it in the near future.

Anything else?

Well, recently I went to Bristol Zoo and really enjoyed my time. I found the experience very interesting and enjoyed how informative each exhibit was. I learnt a lot about various animals I had never seen before and have thus have an even longer list of favourites.

I found the aye-aye was the most fascinating and enjoyable little creature to watch. They were quite curious and remarkable in the way they behaved and moved. Bristol Zoo has a special section with very low lighting which will make it inaccessible for some. However, it features several creatures that thrive in such conditions including the aye-aye and the sand cat, so I do recommend it a visit!

And...?

And lastly, in between tidying the house and academia I have been playing games such as Civilization V and reading books such as The Moon Child which I hope to be reviewing soon.

I think that's it, so alas, ciao for now :)

General~

A foul health wave played up again. I think things are concluding. Maybe it's lucky, hopefully I'll be able to enjoy my birthday in good health :)

University and the future

I have only five deadlines remaining now for university, then hopefully, if I should pass them I'll be graduating. Overall, I have enjoyed my time at Bath Spa, and would like to make a post in the future about my views on the university. Because I have still not finished my work however, I feel I will concentrate on this first.

But what is an appropriate thought exercise is deciding what steps to take towards the future. I have decided I would like to remain in Bath for a while, however, along with council tax and bills, I will need over £500 a month. This seems almost impossible.

The benefits that I will receive in Bath are phenomenal and worth fighting for that impossible however. My GP is a lot more efficient and sympathetic in Bath than in my hometown, I feel there is even hope that they may be able to help improve my health. I have suffered from numerous health issues and despite going to the hospital regularly as a child to see a 'specialist', both my mother who took me and I knew that it was a complete waste of time.

I also have very close friends in Bath which I would like to spend at least another year in the company of.

Bath is also a very beautiful city that is only two hours from London, close to Bristol, with a mix of brilliant architecture and countryside.

In the end, I will make sure I will always have enough money to catch a train home. Before then, looks like I'll be sofa hopping for a while.

C

Aims:

• Work towards finding stability 
• Be able to responsibly afford to keep a small animal such as a guinea pig
• Be able to visit home now and then
• Work towards a career I enjoy
• Continue to work on writing and try to get published
• Continue to learn.

I'll keep trying my best, we'll see what happens.

Nuzlocke FireRed - Grumpy/Cold/Sarcastic Ver.

Colds. What are they good for? Feeling completely unmotivated to do anything but procrastination? Having a headache which makes words wiggle up and down and not make sense?

At least they're a good excuse to play Nuzlocke.

So here we go. Of course, the first thing to do is to grab that potion from the PC...

Better have a chat with our in-game mum or 'mom'.
I've played from Yellow - White 2, and never had mum said anything... Mum like. Not I miss you? I love you dear? Where do you think you're going? I will never let my 12 year old daughter go to Mt Moon on her own????

Well, see you later, obsolete character.

So I'm at the lab after Prof. Oak has to rescue me from the perils of level 3 rattatas and pidgeys. Here's a confession. As a kid, Pokemon Yellow was my first hand held game I ever played. And it took me AGES working out how to move on from this bit. I didn't realise the mechanics of pressing the a button pretty much every second. It's kind of disappointing that FireRed purposefully makes things really simple for players. Perhaps that makes me sound like a stereotypical old lady waving a cane and proclaiming "back in my day things weren't as easy", or maybe my nostagia is over compensating. But I truly think the not obvious-ness of the pokemon series is kind of a theme. Lemme just point you to EV-training.

Anyway. Moving on, I choose Charmander.

Named him Percy.

I go out to Route 1 and crash into a Rattata which means I can no longer catch any pokemon along this route. Ah well.

It's around here I decide to change the options to text speed 'fast' and change the frame.
Did anyone else change the 'frame' option when they played these games?

I give a parcel to Oak and take a solemn glance at Prof. Oak's last POKéMON. (EVER.)

And time to truly begin my adventure. At this time, Percy is level 7. Woop!

Time to catch pokemon. See here, my helpful addition of the cross regarding where I cannot catch pokemon. I decide to go left of Virdian City and try my luck in finding a Mankey.

Now a Mankey is a really helpful addition to the game, with it's fighting moves and what not, so it's always a good idea to try and catch one. Of course, in Nuzlocke rules, I can only catch the first pokemon I see.

Of course. This happens at the only area nearby where I can catch a guaranteed useful pokemon. Thank you, Rattata.

May as well dream.

As I go on, an old man shows me how he catches a weedle - by simply throwing a pokeball while it has full hp. Very educational.
I wonder if Game Freak was intentionally sarcastic there...

So onwards I move to Route 2, hoping to catch a new pokemon. I come across another Rattata, and under a short while of thinking, I decided catching duplicates would be okay. Besides, it'd be kind of cute if I owned two Rattata brothers. I'm not sure what I'll name him but--

Ah.
Now I truly understand the look of fear on that Rattata's face.

"We abandoned you on route 22 for a reason!!!!"

So here's the new map so far. We didn't really get far, but I'll take a break for now.

Until next time.

All the Concerts!!

So um...

I'm going to see An Cafe on the 7th March.
I'm going to see Miyavi on the 15th March.
I'm going to see VAMPS on the 28th March.
I'm going to see Girugamesh on the 9th June,

This is kinda crazy.

It also makes my childhood self squirm in happiness.

I went to An Cafe's earlier concert two years ago which was amazing. Simply the best live concert I've ever been too. The An Cafe members were amazing, the music was amazing, I got to be near Kanon which was amazing. The crowd was amazing and so nice! It was so cool.

I've never been to a Miyavi live before, but I've wanted to go for such a long time. I'm a bit unsure of what he'll be performing this year, kinda nervous actually, since I'm bringing a friend along, but hopefully that'll be great.

VAMPS is a band whose style entertains me. I've no idea what a concert would be like with them.

Girugamesh is a top band, of which, I own quite a few albums with compared to other Jrock bands. I am really looking forward to seeing them, and I know they'll be awesome!

Eeek... All the concerts!!

Update~

So I had a little dip earlier, but I'm feeling much better now. I messed up a bit with uni, but it's okay, because I can try harder now in the months I have left.

Today I am working on my Japanese essay, my dissertation, my novel and my rpg game of which, shall have a blog post soon :)

I miss my rabbit. For some reason, I can no longer upload photos of her from my phone, which makes it really hard to edit her blog. If you haven't seen it yet, you should totally check it out! :)

Bugs in the Tower!

So in my project, The Girl and the Dragon, the point is that the first main character - Aethelinda - wants to destroy a set amount of towers in order to complete her contract with a dragon. Her dragon friend is quite a pesky chap, and becomes angry if she does not do what he wishes.

So onwards, to the first tower.

And it's taking me such a long time.

Firstly there are bugs; bugs everywhere! Some are easy to fix, some are very time consuming. For example...

If you look closely you can see a shadow to the right of the players. Yeah, this dude isn't meant to be able to do that - he's only meant to be sticking to the ground. (Though it does a look a wee bit more creepy.) I didn't realise that this tileset allows players to walk through the roof tile. (The tileset presumes you'll always want to add a wall tile between.) If I want to keep the design I need to make a black impassible tile all around these maps which will be very time consuming. I probably won't be fixing this for the first demo.

Throughout the tower there are many various events to interact with, which also causes bugs. I'm already running out of ideas for the first tower, so while I was keen on making 14 of these bad boys, I think I'll stick to 9, and possibly start playing more rpgs for ideas.

Still, there is a lot to explore right now, with 5 levels so far (only 2 more to go!) and about 4 hidden characters to find.

The inbuilt character creator is currently weeping from exhaustion.

I'm getting closer and closer to that demo, and I'm really excited to share it.

Anxiety

I find people scary.

I think those who know me in person might have varying opinions on my social confidence. Some may say that I am a shy, quiet person, others would say that I am a confident, talkative person. I would say neither of these really fit who I am.

For example, I am fine with having a conversation with a stranger but I get a room full of anxiety if there are lots of unexpected guests invited over. There's nothing wrong with my housemates doing that (it's their home, and they're lovely!) it's just something I need to get used to and learn how to deal with. I wrote about it in poem here.

When I am upset I could anaylse the cause of my anxiety by looking into past Tulin, but it's not something I want to carry accidently into present Tulin - like going into a dusty room and accidently bringing some of that dust back with you! I don't think understanding the past will help solve my problems, so better leave that one be.

In the most recent situation, the best thing I could have told myself was to relax. Chill. It's ok. At the end, what is this? The situation is that there are lots of people in the room I'm in. Ok, so just go upstairs. But I'm hungry. They'll be gone so. But what if they're not? Then what the heck, I'll buy chinese.

Mmm chinese.


I reason with the inner voice that is scared, like a big sister talking to a little sister. My method has been to try and find a logical short term fix to the matter at hand to help feel better. My creativeness tends to be good at this. It's just getting to the stage when the big sister can say what she wants without the little sister crying and getting upset with herself.

I'll work on it.

I can get nervous giving my opinion on something or talking about certain topics such as faith or health. It's hard to have this private, logical reassurance during this time. I'm still not too sure how to manage these things, other than not to talk about it. I end up shaking when I go to the doctors and I have 4 medical appointments up and coming. Perhaps I'll try to turn of some of the switches.

Have you ever been able to emotionally detatch yourself?

I've been able to do this both intentionally and unintentionally. Sometimes, when someone is hurt or there is danger, I can rely on reasoning and thought to deal with the initial situation until it is over. This has generally almost always been a benefit.

However, sometimes I've gone through days and wonder what's wrong with me. I feel like I've suddenly lost emotion completely. It's quite terrifying really, because I think usually I'd feel this, or feel that in certain events that happen and I just don't. I can be cruel and cold without feeling guilt during this time.

Perhaps if I could learn how I could switch this on intentionally when it's useful. It wouldn't work for avoiding guilt, but it might help lessen the impact when things go wrong or drama happens.

I could do with one for empathy too.
Oh? Despite occasionally cold I recieve others emotions?

It's not 100% but yes, I can. Sometimes to the extreme when it can affect my own emotion. If someone is angry, I can feel it, and I can feel angry too. Same with anxiety, joyfulness, sadness, etc. Luckily it doesn't tend to affect my mood too often unless it's quite substantional. This "empathy" has been useful and detremental in many ways, though I would say most useful. For example it can help me learn quickly whether someone is upset, or on occasion, when someone is about to have an epiletic fit. However, by learning there is something wrong, sometimes I can cause harm by directly asking that person and being concerned when they don't respond, or by over-worrying the possible loss of a friendship to a point where I actually do lose that friendship. I need to still learn when to act and when to wait for others to come to me.

How does this empathy work?

I don't think there's too much to it, other than being observant and recognising body language, voice tone, speech, and remembering a filter of how I and other people have behaved before and finding links. Sometimes I can't remember the evidence to why I feel someone feels a certain way, it's just a gut feeling.

Back to anxiety, empathy can make me feel anxious too, so I need to really try and get some kind of switch or fuse going on here. I don't have too much to say anymore, so I think I'll end this post here.

Until next time.

Back in Bath

I left my harddrive back at home, which has been annoying as I've been itching to continue writing my novel!

I'm currently working on reading the books I've got from the library. I have an addiction to issuing books from the library only to never read them. Right now the most interesting and amusing book seems to be 'The Rise of the Vampire' written by Erik Butler.

I have no access to my game, The Girl and the Dragon right now, but I'm casually updating Little Cat. Though I doubt anyone is interested, I should be releasing demos soon, yay!

Iiris

I like to use Soundcloud to search for new music. I find there are often hidden jems you can find who have not yet gained a larger outside audience. While searching for music to inspire my friend's pen and paper game, I came across such a gem who goes by the name of 'Iiris'.

Iiris is from Estonia and has a unique voice. The best way to describe her is a Japanese pop singer crossed with Björk. Often a piano and electric sounds accomplies her. She is a impressive artist. I've not listened to pop music for quite a while, but I cannot help but like Iiris. I hope she gets far.

Check Iiris out!

Facebook
Soundcloud
Myspace
Twitter
Official Website

Tidying my room

I'll admit, my room hasn't been tidy for years.
So during these holidays I've been making a real effort to tidy my room. To give you an idea of how bad it is, when my mum came in to check on me she was surprised she could suddenly see the floor.

So far I've found 3 drum sticks, poetry & drawings I did in primary school, pikachu stickers, an old DS, kitchen scales, hairspray, toothpaste, shower gel, my old braces, hairbands (millions of 'em!), postcards, so many birthday/christmas cards, 1ps and 2ps, stuffing foam and plenty of tissues.
And that's the short version of the list.

Thing is, while clearing out my chest of drawers, I'm not really sure what to do with some of the items. I mean, where do you keep drumsticks? Namely 3? On top of the drum kit? Well... My poor floor drum is covered in other junk where I don't know where to move. What do I do with my old writing? Will I regret it if I chuck them? If so, where can I put them so they won't get in the way?

If I think about it,
Will I ever want to look at stuff I did as a kid? Nope.

I don't know why I'm such a hoarder.

- No! I do know why. But alas, I should try not to be one anymore. Time to move on from the past and all that eh?

But what on earth do you do with a giant box with a game called 'The weakest link' in it?
I've no interest in playing that at all....

Food cravings

At the moment I'm craving pork buns.
I would love to make these, but alas, I do not have a steamer! (or the money to buy ingredients right now...)
I'll put this video on my to do list though! Nom!