Again.

Today is a difficult day.

Painting Suffering

Sometimes I notice the signs; The lack of eye contact, the nervous laughter, the fidgeting fingers. 'I'm okay.' 'I'm fine'. From what I understand, it is usually best to be open about suffering. That means, to be open about your own suffering and other people's suffering. Kind people usually do more of the latter, rejecting their own selves for an 'ethically selfless' approach; that is, to help others, even when it disadvantages them. This is potentially unhealthy, as this may cause more suffering to be produced and cause others to become dependant on the suffering of others for their own happiness. These dependant people are like leeches to their friends, but become addicted to an endless cycle which can fertile depression. The kind people are like cattle that end up having their blood drainied dry, and then still try to give away some more. We all need blood to survive, but without having any for ourselves we fall. Without much we go very, very dizzy.

It should be understood that it is illogical to presume that a 'leech' was a worst person to a 'cattle'. Both have equal potential to partake in a doomed cycle. Because there are so many reasons for suffering, both the leech and the cattle will have reasons for their behaviour and it does not make them a 'better' or 'worse' person. Perhaps part of being free of the burdens that both behaviours bring is asking oneself if they are a leech or a cattle, and then considering what makes them happy. Seeking awareness of what is going on inwards [yourself] and outwards [the outside world] and seeking happiness seems a good path to take to me.

How people may cope with suffering
Here's a few habits I've noticed which are signs that somebody may be suffering.
 
- Explaining the reasons for their personality again and again
- Anger
- Random fits of emotion
- Withdrawal
- Paranoia/fear
- Indulging - Thrillseeking, risk taking, over eating, drinking
- Inducing - self harm, causing one to become ill, rejecting one's self
- Procrastination - i.e - avoiding sensitive topics

  There are many, many more signs that have not been included in the list. Observation and trusting in honesty is the key.

There was once a time I was ashamed of my illness which involved constantly going to the bathroom. One year the bathroom happened to be beside a housemate's bedroom, and I feel that perhaps, having someone constantly nip in and cry now and then is quite unsettling. [It's pretty reasonable really.] Perhaps, if I explained my illness, if I could imagine that it would be fine, accepted, understood, the house would have suffered a little less. I should have been honest about my suffering.


Don't forget to communicate.

The power of gradients

Sometimes during procrastination I upload old photos into Photoshop and edit them. Usually they're just a bit silly and pointless and are often discarded, but now and then a tweak turns out to be a useful and lo and behold, a photo can look just a tad more exciting.

Introducing, the gradient.

Original photo. One of the bridges I saw in Budapest.

Edited photo.

Can you notice the difference? Wiith a simple gradient that goes from black to white to black on a seperate layer set to 'Overlay', the photo can look more dramatic. I find gradients are a quick, effective tool for the casual photoshop user which is effiicient for photos and even for drawing. Just check out Lostie815 for her manga-style hair colouring tutorial advice.

Missing photography

An old photo from my campus

I miss my camera. It would be nice to start taking photos again and add a bit of colour to the blog. I have been mainly trying to do my dissertation and keep strong. As a friend told me, I am juggling a lot of balls at once. Things are difficult but not yet impossible.

When things are calm I hope to paint some chinese brush painting style rabbits for a very close friend back at home.