Eyebrows

Even today, you are never forgotten.
You have been in thoughts and dreams,
regrets and wishes.
I hope one day we will be able to get back in touch. I just want to see how you are, talk like we used to, think of silly projects and share music. You always had the better taste of music though.
I don't want to argue or bring up the past. Especially not right now. You were a very close friend to me and I am still hurting. I thought by giving you the one chance to say something... It'd help me move on when I knew you'd refuse. I deleted your phone number. Most of the things we shared are gone. But that hasn't helped me at all. I miss you.
I just want to say hello. I just want to talk. Nothing serious. I want to you to know I'm still there for you. That the piano is too quiet without you. That I never opened a pack of cards I brought because it reminds me too much of you.
I want to share what has happened in my life. The good bits and the bad. Most of which I haven't bothered to share in this blog.
I want to know what has happened in your life. Again, the good and the bad. I want to know if there is anything I can do to support you or if there is anything we could talk about now and again... When we have the energy and the motivation.
I don't need instant communication. But a letter, an e-mail, some kind of message to confirm that one day we could get back in touch again.
It would be nice.

A discord of a friend.

Yet another new project

I have always wanted to make a comic so I thought I'd experiment a little bit. Introducing 'Azura', an historical fantasy romance drama. Yup...

This is meant to be a short comic hahaha
Which I am hoping to one day complete hehehe
I have a vague storyline in mind but is also restricted to the quality of my drawing, which evidently, is quite weak.

On one hand it is about Azura exploring the possible directions her life could have gone in. If that's anything to go by...

... But either way you should totally check out my efforts.

Interfaith opinions

In some forms of painting
you don't blend the colours
so every stroke is vibrant
and unique.
In some forms of painting
you don't blend the colours
yet together every stroke
makes an image that is whole.
Interfaith brings forth one artist
with a palette of many colours
of blues of reds of yellows
that sing solo notes
on solo strings
on one harp
to make a single masterpiece.
You don't blend the colours
the colours remain separate
but nevertheless are in harmony.

Jacket Potatoes

I have slowly become a little addicted to jacket potatoes.
I had an excellent conference call recently with freelance writers and journalists.
Feeling slightly more confident in pitching. Will have to give it a proper go.

The don't do list

My younger self would hate such a list. But I feel I need to start making a list of things I simply will no longer do as a rule. Here's a draft.

• Be far less open to most people. Trying to be an open person simply has not worked. The effort, the vulnerability, etc, is completely not worth the little gain, if any. Hiding things does not help either, so when I need to express things I'll use art instead of communicating.
• This includes expressing opinion. It's damn hard for me to do anyway and when I do the consequences are really negative.
• Start removing certain people from my life. If they are negative in my life or simply don't make any effort to talk to me, why should I allow them to keep in touch through social media?
• Don't talk to DelimHar. Ever. It's just not worth the hassle.

Gah.

There's a lot of words I want to flood onto the screen right now. But it'd just arrive in some kind of messy lump that won't mean anything. I am incredibly lonely but I don't have the energy to communicate. When I do there are misunderstandings. Needless to say, it's frustrating. I feel there's no real point in being here any more. I'm torn too many ways. Maybe it'd be best if I focused on one thing at a time, if I left all of this and lived in solitude?

Nightmares

I've been having a lot of nightmares recently, despite feeling in much better circumstances.

Doctors, castles, settings and guinea pigs

Lets start with guinea pigs.

I've decided that my life wouldn't be complete with rabbits. Rabbtis are lovely, amazing, and all kinds of wonderful, but guinea pigs offer things like hugs and cuddles which most rabbits do not like at all.

It's okay Fuzzy, I still love you.

 Which led me to start calculating how much dream-Tulin life would cost. I made a spreadsheet to add the yearly cost of rabbits, guinea pigs, fish, a parrot, bearded dragons... Etc and then went further, and decided where I'd be living.

Obviously, I'd be living in a castle.

It'd be £2.5 million if I was happy to live in the middle of nowhere, up in Scotland. Suddenly my ambititon to earn just a million by the time I'm 30 doesn't seem ambitious enough.

So I get down to writing. I have a special writing assignment already which will probably take me around a year, but in order to guarantee future clients I've decided to focus on a portfolio that displays my writing and what I can do. I've been fortunate enough to spend a week at a Spanish island recently, and found a lot of the views truly amazing. But what inspired my writing most was how different the houses were, the castles, etc. I learnt that my settings were not varied enough. I need to liven them up.

Jereme Peabody is a talented software engineer and artist, and his gallery can be found on deviantart.

Jereme's work is very inspiring to me, and I hope my writing will begin to benefit from this.

In another world, I had an appointment recently with a specialist. She told me that yes, it's chronic, it'll be there all my life. She said there will be good days and there will be inevitable bad days, whatever happens. But then she said there's hope that under certain procedures it can be 'good weeks and bad days'.

Here's for a good week.

Map improvements, slow time

I've been working on remaking the map for Ancia, and have come up with a new prototype which I hope makes the world look more vast and exciting. As you can see, it's not quite done yet. Donjon has an excellent fantasy map maker that you can use for free, which I highly recommend. I am quite likely to redo the map once again as the 'Dragon Lands' (placement name 'til I think of something much less cheesy) should be further away, and I can't quite explain how Elledi - a friendly and agriculture-based settlement is squished between three of the most dangerous and dodgiest places in the world. But then again, it is fantasy.

Unfortunately I've not been doing too much as I am currently unwell. I will be moving house soon which might be a slightly extra struggle. We shall see.

Wheel

Sometimes when you are unwell, you learn a bit more about your home. When you are unwell you learn where comfort is and isn't. You learn about the nooks and cranny's of the house where, someone who is well may take for granted. Even today I can close my eyes and visualize patterns in the old cork paneling that my parent's bathroom used to have. I remember making stories about these patterns early in the morning as the sun rose. You also don't really care about certain parts of the home as much as you would otherwise. The kitchen? Forget it. You could struggle forward and end up losing even more spoons in the process, or you can hide away upstairs and just forget it. And it's okay. Because when you're better, you'll be able to do all the washing up.

When you're better.

When I'm better I will hopefully be able to celebrate my birthday that's coming in 6 days. I will have moved house by then too. When I'm better I'll be able to run again, and to work on my business plans. When I'm better I'll be able to go on holiday, to see a little more about the world and to enjoy learning about new things.

When I'm better.

Sometimes when you are unwell, it is hard to imagine feeling better. Sometimes, it is hard to forgive that endless cycle that goes on and on and on. When you're better you might even forget about the cycle for a while. But then it comes back, and you wonder 'How do I break the wheel?'

Maritime Archaeology

Do you like my quick sketch?

Not only have I been lurking on duolingo, but during my spare time I've also taking a liking to Future Learn, a place to enrol in fascinating courses for free. Maritime Archaeology is one such course I have enrolled in, but unfortunately had begun long before I joined and has recently finished. As this is the case I am rushing through the course as quickly as I can, as I worry it may disappear over time.

I've always been curious about Archaeology and could not help but discover what Maritime Archaeology was all about. It turns out that it can encompass quite a lot of things, from examining sunken vessels to investigating evidence of past human activities and way of life  underwater, by river beds, or how people interacted with the sea/water. Some evidence can be found on river banks, and dug up from the ground, mud and marshes too.

There is a lot to take in, but I am aiming for just a broad overview and perhaps a few interesting case studies over there which I am certain the course can provide.

No quotation marks!

As mentioned in previous posts, I've been learning French. According to Duolingo, in French you don't use quotation marks.

• Incorrect: "Ça va?"
• Correct: « Ça va ? »

Something new I have learnt today :)

Terribly racist Daily Express

I thought the Daily Mail was bad.

Once again, the British tabloid pull a minor event completely out of proportion. As reported in the Huffington Post, the event is a one off event. The park also has various other events including a naturalists event, a men's only event, and a singles event.

Suddenly police have been notified that the English Defence League is launching a protest over the event. What concerns me is that a completely false report from a well-read tabloid has yet again stirred up unnecessary racial hatred in the UK. The problem with seeing the twitter comments retweeting the Daily Express is that many people believe the tabloid, and it will only increase Islamaphobia.

Further information can be found through the HuffingtonPost.

Suffolk Punch

One of my 'dailies' on Habitrpg is to learn something new. Learning is important to me, but it is something I haven't been doing so much lately, which in turn has made my mind feel very empty and hollow. (Aka, a cabbage.)

Therefore, I thought about making a blog post about one of my favourite breeds of horses, The Suffolk Punch. Not only is the horse local to my hometown, it is one of the strongest breeds of horse, once used for farm work and pulling heavy carriages. Despite the fact that they're huge, they're generally a friendly breed too.

Unfortunately the Suffolk Punch is also a dying breed. According to one source there are only 80 breeding mares left.

Organisations such as the Suffolk Punch Trust promise a great day out in return for a small entry fee which goes towards conserving the breed. I am not sure how I feel about conserving horse breeds that are no longer in demand. On the one side, the Suffolk Punch is a pretty cool horse, and it would be an awful shame for them to disappear. On the other side, as they are so big, they are unlikely to be kept as domestic horses and have a small gene pool which if not handed properly, could lead to some defects in the future. Luckily most of the time, stud books with horses are taken very seriously, and as along as there are enough volunteers to care for them I don't see it as too much of a problem.

This information is all fair, but it isn't exactly fresh for me. From a little bit of research I've stumbled upon a stallion named 'Oppenheim LXII' a very likely Suffolk Punch, who was sent to Denmark probably for breeding in 1860. Some sources say that it is partly responsible for various Danish and German breeds including the Jutland and the Schleswig. One such horse, Oldrup Munkedal is said to be a direct ancestor of Oppenheim LXII. All three of these horse breeds are large working horses.

So there you have it. Now you know that someone out there in the big wide world named their horse Oppenheim LXII.

Updating Projects

I've been updating some past projects which has been fun, including a little rpg project by making the map above. When I was younger I used to make maps all the time using a lot of my Grandad's scrap paper. The map above is kind of messy, so I might remake it again, now I know more about what it is supposed to look like.

Some great resources for map making include using textures distributed from artists such as Coyote Max and some handy brushes, including those made by Star Raven. (Whose name reminds me of the scholar Starhawk, but I imagine there's no connection.)

Oops I made a blog

I have a terrible habit of making new blogs and never sticking to them. Do I learn? No! So introducing Doodle in French. Please enjoy my morbid attempts to Tumblr.

Practicing French

Learning languages has always been cool but never easy for a Tülin. I imagine that's partly because of inconsistency, which seems to be a key component to success in a lot of things. Do I regularly practice a language? No. Then how can I expect to be good at it? I suppose in order to be fluent you need some kind of strategy. That said, my current goal is to be able to read French more easily and increase my vocabulary. To achieve it, I've been using Duolingo. I'm not too serious in becoming good in French just yet, but I expect if I was I'd be using a couple of other sources as well. My grammar in particular would need heavy improvement. But if I want to retain even small bits of what I learn from Duolingo I still need to be consistent in my practice. It's just how the brain works :)

I've been focusing on the more interesting bits of easy-French. That is, food and animals. (Of course.) In the program I've only covered the colours black (noir) and rouge (red) which means le canard et le papillon are all punks and rockers. Probably sporting some kind of mohawk and chain garment.

Unfortunately le papillion could not attend today's blog due to an accident while wearing chain mail.

I have been thinking about making some kind of flash cards to help me remember some of these phrases. Because a problem I'm having is that there is a lot of food and different kinds of animals in the French vocabulary. (Surprise, surprise.) It's a lot to remember. Maybe I'll make some kind of Tumblr acc. for the 'Lols'. I don't know. I have been finding that I have a lot of extra time on my hands. Some of the phrases I've been learning are a bit tricky to draw...

Well then, until tomorrow.

A short summer's walk

There's been a lot of nice weather recently, so how can I resist going out for a walk? In my town there is a river and I'll be straight up and honest with you - it's not the cleanest. Not like Bath for instance. But it's not so micromanaged like Bath either. This town river reflects a purer honesty with wild bushes, tons of nature and a stylish imperfection to ensure you're actually still on planet Earth.

This would have been a great photo if the robin had stayed still.

Hey hey Meowcat, wanna pose for some photos today?

What are you looking at?

Really?

Nope.

Ok, maybe tomorrow then cat?

Being Positive

"This book will change your life." A friend told me a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling extremely low. It was a book written by Dani Johnson about becoming successful, making money and starting your own business.

I'll confess now - I only got up to the second chapter. Although the book was endlessly cheesy, flooded with a constant row of testimonials about how this book indeed 'changed their lives' - It did make me question  'What do I want in life?' and 'How will I get there?'

I am in a pretty tight spot right now, so spent a week applying for a couple of jobs. I got two interviews. One interview was for a 'Sales Assistant', which I was told there was an office more local to me, in Peterborough. I was told because I showed an 'eagerness to progress' I was to be invited to Norwich to meet the manager there. It turned out it was for a direct marketing company whose only office was based solely in Norwich, which operated on a 'no win, no fee' basis. Meaning - if you don't make any sales that day, you don't get paid. If you get through - you get through as a self employed trading partner - means less taxes to pay for both parties, but they don't have to give you a minimum wage too. The progression they promised was swift - they promote strictly internally, and many 'trading partners' gave their testimonials again and again, about how quickly they climbed up the ladder.

The other interview was truly based in Peterborough, as an I-card Coordiantor for a television company. Reads cool on paper, right? It was a temporary job but a far more steady income, with a very small office situated beside a warehouse. "I'll be honest with you." The interviewer said, "There's a lot of pressure that comes with this job. Between you and me, our boss is looking to sell the business, so everyone is concerned about their position here. There is a great deal of uncertainty." When I first learnt about the job description, it described an ideal candidate to be a very creative individual, but there didn't seem to be any creativity involved in the job at all.

I was lucky enough to be able to choose between these two positions, and it all came down to 'What do I want in life?' and 'How will I get there?'

I chose to be a Sales Assistant, and went through my training in Norwich. I can honestly say that I have learnt a great deal about business and about life in general the past week or so. Although I am currently not breaking even, I have really enjoyed my time working with these people.

The biggest thing that I have learnt recently via the book, via being a Sales Assistant, via moving forward and shoving my depression and illness aside, is that attitude makes a HUGE difference in about nearly everything you do.

When I have the right attitude - When I applied for those jobs, I got the interviews, I got the positions. I wouldn't have gotten any responses if my attempt was half-hearted. When you have the right attitude, your inner dialogue isn't "I can't do this" or "I don't want to anymore", it's "Let's do this", it's "I can, and I freakin' will." If you want to be successful, if you want to run that business, or heck, even have a decent holiday or make a damn good cake - if you have the right attitude, you're 99% there.

So what do I want in life? How will I get there?

I want a steady income, a successful business, far too many pets and to travel the world.

How will I get there? Well first, by working damn hard and being positive.

Food Wars: Shokugeki No Soma

Food Wars: Shokugeki No Soma

I came across the anime through recommendations online. Like many others, I was intrigued at the concept of this anime - an anime based on a passion of cooking. Rice Digital - An anime/gaming hub for those in the UK reviewed this anime, but unfortunately I only watched the fist five minutes before loading up episode 1 and taking a look for myself.

Perhaps if I watched the rest of the review I would have been more prepared of what was to come.

The anime features main character Sōma Yukihira, whose personality and appearance looks like a direct cross from Natsu from Fairy Tail and Shirō Emiya from Fate/Stay night. In the beginning Yukihira seems to know what he wants - that is, to be a chef like his father - and seems from the beginning to be very good at working in the family restaurant.

I have to admit that on the premise, the cooking side of the anime is quite good. The visuals are great, there's even a little science behind the cooking.

So Natsu.

The plot also seems promising quite for casual viewers, particularly at the end of the first episode. So, you may wish to ask - why is this anime getting a bad review?

It's the fanservice. From the first five minutes we have tentacle rape, organisms, nudity... etc, etc. It's very disappointing that a potential golden anime such as this has to resolve into raping and objectifying women in order to express how good or bad the food is to the audience. One enthusiast for Food Wars assured me it was okay, because there was 'fanservice for women too'. Oh mother of joy.

I've no problem with nudity in anime. I'm a big fan of Madlax for example. And again, as fanservice really is rife in the anime world - I put up with the boob remarks Lucy gets in Fairy Tail, Professor 'Bitch' in Assassination Classroom, etc, etc. I shouldn't have to. But it's in there presumably because most people enjoy it, right? The most important point I'm trying to make is that the anime I've mentioned  above don't include non-consensual rape, even if it in Food Wars case, the girl is imagines it when Yukihira forces gross food down her throat, it's still unsettling to watch. And it is this topic that I feel should be discussed further. Is it really fun to watch non-consensual rape? Do we really need it? Even in hentai?

Food Wars: Shokugeki No Soma is another slave to fanservice, with a promising storyline and interesting premise. For myself, the fanservice really drowns out these good points, which is a real shame.

So to conclude, this anime I'll leave you with this youtuber's comment. I think it works quite nciely.

Finishing the degree and going forward

I can't say that since my last posts things got better. If we take an average, things got a heck of a lot worse. Thursday and yesterday were particularly tricky days, and I'm very glad to put them behind me. I'm really glad that I had some very kind friends in the end.

It's tricky to move on from the bad things, but what else is there to do? I made a little plan of things I'd like to do or have in my lifetime. Some of them are kinda understandable - I want to run a business one day, I'd like to go travelling. Others might seem a little silly perhaps - I'd like to own a couple of rabbits, some fish, a dog named Karachi...

Not going

I feel as I don't really have anyone to talk to, so this is why I'm writing this post. Because I think, you know, maybe it takes away the loneliness just a little, as I feel like I'm going to burst.

I have not been able to make any advance on my deadlines. I can't write a single word towards them, a tangible block that seems to be beyond procrastination. I am very afraid of not doing things in time, but nevertheless find it difficult to concentrate. I have been having chest pains for a long time. It is hard to breath - and concentrating breathing, you're having a laugh right?

My words are getting mixed up. My pen is dull. That is probably one of the worse things, because speaking out loud is never my forté. Giving opinions on things is scary, because things tend to snap. Friends tend to snap. But things left unsaid also makes things snap. But life isn't about winning, is it?

How many times can I answer 'how are you?' I prefer to say alright, I prefer to say okay. I long to say that no, no indeed I am not ok, no indeed I am struggling, but then indeed, that silence, when you recieve 'sorry to hear that' - and then the nothingness. It has come to the point where the rounds of conversation - though scripted - are worth more than that awkward silence, because that confirms that yes, there is indeed something not great about your situation, and yes, you are indeed a lost cause.

I miss old friends very much. Some words I may exchange here and there. I may read about so and so's problem, and that is nice. And I hope they feel better for it, that'd be great.

But kinda, sinking over here. Maybe I should be alone in the first place.

Another flurry of snow.

I'm tired,
But I've been tired all day. Things have been hazy, and stayed that way on and on, like a tide made of snow.
Yes, nothing like water, nothing that can flow through vein to vein, in and out, moveable, flexible.
It is a heavy feeling, far more solid but also difficult to pick up in it's own right.
I cannot concentrate on what needs doing. I think, goodness. Tomorrow. I'm going to be really productive tomorrow. But tomorrow is when I am meant to be travelling for a day. I am not up for it really. But spending the night alone, just one night, doesn't appeal to me so much, like it would when all this... Snow hadn't yet fallen.

Bunnies and Ghost Bunnies!

 This is becoming some kind of hobby...

Meet lion bunny (left) and scruffy bunny (right)! I really liked painting these rabbits! They look a little unfinished - I think I was quite worried about ruining them. I like how I was able to make a white furred rabbit look actually like it's kinda white, not completely grey :)

 

These rabbits look pretty snazzy inverted, don't you think?

Even more rabbits & Cats!

At the top: Brush stroke rabbit. The right one went out well, I would like to give these another go sometime.
The other rabbits below went okay, but not as nicely as I hoped.  I really like how I did their ears though.

More brush stroke rabbit. I like the tail and the ears.

I saw a cat yesterday. Cat saw me.

Cat posed.

I am ZE cat.

Cat stride.

Cat has vision.