Running/Walking

Despite all the best intentions from friends and family, all the kindness and the roses and the praises...
Despite all the love and the smiles, and the miles and miles I've recently travelled,
I just cannot help but think "I cannot do this."

It's because it's true.

About half an hour ago I kept on writing. I usually try to have some kind of positive spin at the end of my posts, but I simply was not getting anywhere. Sometimes, it's healthy to rest for a bit after certain events happen - rest, and then go back to being productive. I've rested, but the productivity isn't really happening. I need to figure what I can actually do I suppose.

Living

Right now I find myself typing on my Nanna's computer, sitting next to some freshly printed cupcake recipes. To my right, the window dictates that this afternoon has become a lot sunnier since this morning, highlighting the brown-red brick of two semi-detached bungalows.

Inside, my 3DS lays still with minimal power, and my magic the gathering cards are laid almost carelessly across the dining table. I will need to tidy up before dinner. There is a bowl of cereal that I have been eating now and then, between sentences. I can hear the nostalgia of the commercialised 'pop' of the rice crispies lightly filling the silence when I pause for a moment and think about what to type next. The keyboard makes each new word sound like an effort, or an expression. I like how with most keyboards, certain types of keys always sound different. For example the space bar tends to have this 'lighter note', perhaps a 'ta ta', while the letters sound a bit dull 'tol tol tol' or 'dol dol dol'. The backspace on this keyboard is more a sharp 'Wa wa wa'.

I also notice that, slouched on the table with long handles poking in various angles, are some saucepans. A gift from my auntie, reinforced by my grandparents. Their silver reflects some of the window light. I think that's poetic. It's an awful shame really, that I might not be able to use them soon. I might be moving again.

Recently, a couple of people have asked me what I would like to do, how would I like to move on. I've told them, I don't really know right now. Often, the word 'anymore' pops in too. I don't really know what I want to do anymore. My previous ambitions seemed to have dashed in a very sudden manner recently.

My Nanna watched me type these paragraphs, and I paused for a moment. She smiled and told me how she liked to watch how fast I could type. I followed the smile, stood up, and told her that in Primary school I once went to the place where they make the East Anglican newspaper. I found the factory and the trip very interesting. Near the end, we passed some offices, where there were a lot of people at work, typing very fast without looking at the keys. I told my teacher "I can do that!" and I remember distinctly that the teacher said "No Stacey, no you can't." I like this memory. Later that same day, I practice touch typing. I didn't need to practice for long, as my extensive use of the computer in my childhood and as I grew older gave me all the practice I needed. My Nanna seemed to enjoy the story. I said "See, I had ambitions once!" Then my Nanna said "You still do! You just don't always see them when you're older. Sometimes things get in the way." I agreed. "That's life for you isn't it?"

We had a quick chat while I put the empty dish into the kitchen.

Life is what we make it, right?

Back again

Goodness me, it's been a while.

I have missed the Internet dearly. There are so many questions I have wanted to ask, but have not been able to find the answers to. There are also friends I have wanted to speak to, but have struggled to stay in touch. Hopefully today will be the start of good things. I could do with good things happening.

Again.

Today is a difficult day.

Painting Suffering

Sometimes I notice the signs; The lack of eye contact, the nervous laughter, the fidgeting fingers. 'I'm okay.' 'I'm fine'. From what I understand, it is usually best to be open about suffering. That means, to be open about your own suffering and other people's suffering. Kind people usually do more of the latter, rejecting their own selves for an 'ethically selfless' approach; that is, to help others, even when it disadvantages them. This is potentially unhealthy, as this may cause more suffering to be produced and cause others to become dependant on the suffering of others for their own happiness. These dependant people are like leeches to their friends, but become addicted to an endless cycle which can fertile depression. The kind people are like cattle that end up having their blood drainied dry, and then still try to give away some more. We all need blood to survive, but without having any for ourselves we fall. Without much we go very, very dizzy.

It should be understood that it is illogical to presume that a 'leech' was a worst person to a 'cattle'. Both have equal potential to partake in a doomed cycle. Because there are so many reasons for suffering, both the leech and the cattle will have reasons for their behaviour and it does not make them a 'better' or 'worse' person. Perhaps part of being free of the burdens that both behaviours bring is asking oneself if they are a leech or a cattle, and then considering what makes them happy. Seeking awareness of what is going on inwards [yourself] and outwards [the outside world] and seeking happiness seems a good path to take to me.

How people may cope with suffering
Here's a few habits I've noticed which are signs that somebody may be suffering.
 
- Explaining the reasons for their personality again and again
- Anger
- Random fits of emotion
- Withdrawal
- Paranoia/fear
- Indulging - Thrillseeking, risk taking, over eating, drinking
- Inducing - self harm, causing one to become ill, rejecting one's self
- Procrastination - i.e - avoiding sensitive topics

  There are many, many more signs that have not been included in the list. Observation and trusting in honesty is the key.

There was once a time I was ashamed of my illness which involved constantly going to the bathroom. One year the bathroom happened to be beside a housemate's bedroom, and I feel that perhaps, having someone constantly nip in and cry now and then is quite unsettling. [It's pretty reasonable really.] Perhaps, if I explained my illness, if I could imagine that it would be fine, accepted, understood, the house would have suffered a little less. I should have been honest about my suffering.


Don't forget to communicate.

The power of gradients

Sometimes during procrastination I upload old photos into Photoshop and edit them. Usually they're just a bit silly and pointless and are often discarded, but now and then a tweak turns out to be a useful and lo and behold, a photo can look just a tad more exciting.

Introducing, the gradient.

Original photo. One of the bridges I saw in Budapest.

Edited photo.

Can you notice the difference? Wiith a simple gradient that goes from black to white to black on a seperate layer set to 'Overlay', the photo can look more dramatic. I find gradients are a quick, effective tool for the casual photoshop user which is effiicient for photos and even for drawing. Just check out Lostie815 for her manga-style hair colouring tutorial advice.

Missing photography

An old photo from my campus

I miss my camera. It would be nice to start taking photos again and add a bit of colour to the blog. I have been mainly trying to do my dissertation and keep strong. As a friend told me, I am juggling a lot of balls at once. Things are difficult but not yet impossible.

When things are calm I hope to paint some chinese brush painting style rabbits for a very close friend back at home.