Progress of learning British Sign Language

I have recently been attending a sign language society (more of a 'club') in university where we practice signs, and try to learn them by heart. It's been useful for extending vocabulary, and it's nice to come across simple sentences and realize you can say them in both English, and BSL. I've made a short list, and there are at least 183 signs I can recall. I'd like to increase this amount.

I've decided it would generally be pretty awesome to do something with this hobby - either through writing with deaf characters, getting into education and giving lectures for deaf awareness, raising money for Action on Hearing Loss, etc. At some point in my creative writing course we have to write about a 5 year plan in regards to how to get to a particular career we want to do, or particular life aim, and later, even be mock interviewed for the position. We were told to aim high, but it had to be a job that was being advertised somewhere. As a joke, I thought of applying as a 'Mystery Shopper' in South Korea, (Yes I found an advertisement for one written in English.) but more seriously I think I'm heading towards the lines of following my own interests and making something out of it. Otherwise, I'll just get bored. I should probably start working hard to get a good degree, but I realize it may not be so essential, as I'll need to gain experience than anything else.

Moving on

It's not to enter a frame of coldness, but to enter a new warmth with fresh feet.

For my past self, for those who can relate, and finally those who can't.

I shouldn't be writing this, I should be much more afraid as I have been all my life. But I am tired, and fed up of the drama and the fear. I have a wonderful boyfriend I plan to spend the rest of my life with, and friends who can see beyond my illnesses. I know there will be times when those who are close to me will not understand, but I assure you past self, that one day, those foundations will wobble and fall and instead of going down with them you are going to build a fresher and more stable home of comfort. No longer will being told 'I can't stand you and your conditions' tear or break you.

I was diagnosed with Lichen Sclerosis by the age of four. This will spread across my body and my past self is bound to be bound to find this upsetting. But this is such a minor issue. Hot water will become a dual emotion of mild pain and mild pleasure, it'll stop the burning sensation for a little while.

But dear past self, the most embarrassing, stressful and painful issue is your digestive system. You see, somewhere along the way, something doesn't work properly, and you cannot pass. Everything that is already inside will build up and rub against walls of muscle - this causes the agony. These walls will become weaker, which means less muscles to help you go. Muscles that are slowly being repaired are constantly being damaged. This is even more painful. Here comes the game - you need to eat. If you don't eat there will not be enough pressure to help push food down and help you pass. But when you eat - that means more food rubbing against muscles that you are afraid will one day become too damaged to become repaired again.

But before you make food remember, you feel heavy, you feel exhausted. All day and all night your body is trying to rid itself of the blockage. Even if you can manage to get some sleep, you'll feel like you've been awake for weeks.

You also feel anxious, depressed, movement becomes painful, if the stomach is disturbed too much you'll need to go. You'll always feel like throwing up. On the occasion, you will, but this passes and gets better with age. But everytime this constant routine reaches the climax, there is so much pressure, that although solids are in the way and stuck, liquid and gases seep through constantly and this is so horrible when you're an adult and cannot control yourself. You feel disgusted about your body and wish to escape it, but it's the only body you have and... By sometime during this routine you'll watch your skin go white and remember your blood doesn't absorb so much iron as normal blood does, you know, because of that 25% chance gene your brother has aswell.

So you make food, and you can feel sick. You leave the dishes in the kitchen, standing hurts and you feel the pressure squeezing already. Your housemates will watch the dishes pile up, and there's no one to help out. Your old close friends will no longer wish to meet up with you, but it's okay because you have those foundations.

You've had depression for as long as you have had your illness, and sometimes you can find things too sad because you are fed up with the pain that you can only liken to kidney stones you had last year. In November, you believed and wanted to give everything up.

But I am writing to tell you not to give up. A fear of smelling bad is actually the anxiety that those you care about will be disgusted with you. When you can only eat a small piece food at a meal in a restaurant, or when you have to excuse a friend for hours at a time, or when you can't leave the house or when you have paranoia and depression - remember those foundations. We all have some choices in regards to our anxieties. I choose not to be afraid anymore. I trust those I love and when I am let down then I will still be strong, as I realise they were never holding me up in the first place. I am no longer my illness. I am me. I will no longer be bound and angry at what I cannot change. I will live my life how it is, and enjoy what I can do, instead of bringing myself down with drama, unwanted and selfish 'kindness' from others that say it's for the best we're not friends, and recklessness.

Inevitably past self, one day you'll feel like this.

So don't give up.

From your nineteen years old equivalent,
Tulin.

The Next Post, and life.

I can't say things have been entirely smooth.
But it certainly has been interesting.

I have recently recieved an e-mail about an art/creative writing project about writing a letter to my "past self", and it comes at a time when there are things left unsaid, and things I've never even dared mention to others because of fear, or not being able to get others to listen. I watch and I can hear the silent 'whys' around me, and the burning, gaining anger when there are questions others never ask. Through either my fault or from the other side, it has caused seperation, confusion, even at times, losing close friends. It has also caused a lot of anxiety, because I can sometimes be desperate, and clingy. I don't want to lose people because of faults I cannot control. But I have to learn that I must accept this, and those who can accept me and my habits are true and healthy for me, and I can be true and healthy to them too. A while ago, I told someone who I loved dearly about my illness, and as it turned out, everything was fine, although I was convinced my illness would inevitably cause people to turn away. After that event, it later turned others away, but although it hurt, I am going to try not to be afraid anymore. I am going to write this letter, and I'm going to post this on my blog and see what happens. All I can hope for is to achieve some kind of understanding.

Also, this post sounds incredibly cheesy and I really do apologise. I'm round my 'Uncle's house, with two other really good mates, listening to metal covers with cans of strongbow, plenty of vodka and a monsterous pizza sandwich with doner kebab meat inbetween. So yeah.

Sowwie.

-Clicks publish-