I shouldn't be writing this, I should be much more afraid as I have been all my life. But I am tired, and fed up of the drama and the fear. I have a wonderful boyfriend I plan to spend the rest of my life with, and friends who can see beyond my illnesses. I know there will be times when those who are close to me will not understand, but I assure you past self, that one day, those foundations will wobble and fall and instead of going down with them you are going to build a fresher and more stable home of comfort. No longer will being told 'I can't stand you and your conditions' tear or break you.
I was diagnosed with Lichen Sclerosis by the age of four. This will spread across my body and my past self is bound to be bound to find this upsetting. But this is such a minor issue. Hot water will become a dual emotion of mild pain and mild pleasure, it'll stop the burning sensation for a little while.
But dear past self, the most embarrassing, stressful and painful issue is your digestive system. You see, somewhere along the way, something doesn't work properly, and you cannot pass. Everything that is already inside will build up and rub against walls of muscle - this causes the agony. These walls will become weaker, which means less muscles to help you go. Muscles that are slowly being repaired are constantly being damaged. This is even more painful. Here comes the game - you need to eat. If you don't eat there will not be enough pressure to help push food down and help you pass. But when you eat - that means more food rubbing against muscles that you are afraid will one day become too damaged to become repaired again.
But before you make food remember, you feel heavy, you feel exhausted. All day and all night your body is trying to rid itself of the blockage. Even if you can manage to get some sleep, you'll feel like you've been awake for weeks.
You also feel anxious, depressed, movement becomes painful, if the stomach is disturbed too much you'll need to go. You'll always feel like throwing up. On the occasion, you will, but this passes and gets better with age. But everytime this constant routine reaches the climax, there is so much pressure, that although solids are in the way and stuck, liquid and gases seep through constantly and this is so horrible when you're an adult and cannot control yourself. You feel disgusted about your body and wish to escape it, but it's the only body you have and... By sometime during this routine you'll watch your skin go white and remember your blood doesn't absorb so much iron as normal blood does, you know, because of that 25% chance gene your brother has aswell.
So you make food, and you can feel sick. You leave the dishes in the kitchen, standing hurts and you feel the pressure squeezing already. Your housemates will watch the dishes pile up, and there's no one to help out. Your old close friends will no longer wish to meet up with you, but it's okay because you have those foundations.
You've had depression for as long as you have had your illness, and sometimes you can find things too sad because you are fed up with the pain that you can only liken to kidney stones you had last year. In November, you believed and wanted to give everything up.
But I am writing to tell you not to give up. A fear of smelling bad is actually the anxiety that those you care about will be disgusted with you. When you can only eat a small piece food at a meal in a restaurant, or when you have to excuse a friend for hours at a time, or when you can't leave the house or when you have paranoia and depression - remember those foundations. We all have some choices in regards to our anxieties. I choose not to be afraid anymore. I trust those I love and when I am let down then I will still be strong, as I realise they were never holding me up in the first place. I am no longer my illness. I am me. I will no longer be bound and angry at what I cannot change. I will live my life how it is, and enjoy what I can do, instead of bringing myself down with drama, unwanted and selfish 'kindness' from others that say it's for the best we're not friends, and recklessness.
Inevitably past self, one day you'll feel like this.
So don't give up.
From your nineteen years old equivalent,
Tulin.
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