Firstly, I apologise for this post. Tiredness and I have been cheating on life for quite a while, so while I will try to be coheriant in writing, I may occasion drift and lose the strength to guard grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. So conclusively, bare with me!
But on the upside, things have been moving along quite nicely. I've finally got round to reading The Time Traveller's Wife and The Other Hand. I enjoyed both books, but I found The Other Hand best written and more gripping. (I'll write reviews later.) I've started reading "Jpod" by Doulas Coupland, which is a very weird humour book. It's kept me entertained though. I'll also probably try to read a couple of others on a go, it makes it easier to read more sad or serious stuff when I have a crazy wacko humour book to read now and then to dilute things a bit.
My appetite is a bit screwed again, but I'm trying to eat more, again. Maybe I'll talk about recipes I followed in future posts.
I've been volunteering for a charity dedicated to raise awareness for hearing loss and the deaf commuinity [among many other related things] which has been great. Funnily enough, there was a strange coincidence today. I was an event in Bristol, and I was introduced to a particular lady who was responsible for managing events in the South East of London. That includes East Anglia, where I'm from. We were talking, and she mentioned she was doing an event in my hometown, on the Monday when I'm actually home. So... I'll be helping out there too. It is strange. I could have passed this opportunity to get involved with the charity in the first place. I could have let myself sink further down to a pool of anxiety and depression. But that one time I didn't has lead to some pretty good things. Of course, it's not always that simple. And if it was a matter of myself simply deciding not to feel down then the game of life would be much easier.
I also met a man who is very good at sign language, and combines it with religion.
Oh, religion and deafness is also what I really want to do for my third year dissentation. I've decided that writing a novel for marking in a short time is not for me. I'll still do creative writing, but I really want to get involved with research within the study of religion, especially with a sociological perspective.
I imagine if I told my brother about all this, he'd find it quite a bit boring. But maybe he'll like me talking about the LARP game I was involved with Saturday, and another I will be involved in later this week.
If I get enough sleep.
Speaking of which, adios!
Monday, 18 March 2013
Monday, 4 March 2013
Life, life, life & The Decision Book
Late yesterday I said goodbye to my boyfriend once again as he returned to trains, grey brick and city smoke on his way back home. From the time I walked back, from the beginning of the today, I have done fairly little, but ponder on small, naggly things that wiggle around in front of my eyes. Little things, little worms of stress that are either going to be solved on Wednesday, or later in the year. Things. Life things.
To my side, I have "The Decision Book: Fifty models for strategic thinking." It was left in my room since yesterday, and just from a short trip in my bag, it has suffered a few marks on the cover, to the extent that I think I'll secretly buy a replacement.
The book uses a series of models with easy to interpret diagrams and systems.
Systems. Diagrams. I do like me some of those!
This is in order to help ask appropriate questions which in turn - aim to help you find your answer.
This shall be my weapon to increase my philosophy count. *Manic laughter here*
I should explain - I'm having a little competition with a friend of mine. We're trying to write as many profiles for countries and philosophers as we can. The biggest post count at the end of the year wins. You want to ask why we chose those topics? This may help.
So, turning to a random page, I find 'The Flow Model'. This is an indeed very simple model that generously mentions two philosophers. Firstly, two thousand years ago Aristole came to the conclusion that what a person wants above all is to be happy. In 1961, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote "While happiness itself is sought for its own sake, every other goal - health, beauty, money or power -- is valued only because we expect that it will make us happy." He used the term 'flow' as the name of the state of feeling happy, and after interviewing over a thousand people, he found that all responses had certain things in common. When we're in the flow we tend to be intensely focused on an activity, neither under-challenged or over-challenged, with a clear objective that receives immediate feedback.
Following?
This means that his vision of happiness contradicts the idea that relaxation directly follows happiness. Imagine two axis, the y being 'challenges' the other x axis being 'abilities'. There is a line of flow from the 0y, 0x, that rises to a straight positive gradient. If you were to think about the last three challenges you faced, decide the level of challenge it was, compared to the level of ability you had. If they match - you hit into the line of flow. If they don't - you're either above the line of flow - the challenge is too high, therefore you're over-challenged. Or you're too low on the graph and your ability is much higher than the challenge.
I find this an interesting concept.
Just from a quick google search I find he has a video on TED. I still don't have Internet at home, nor have I brought headphones with me today, so I can't judge the quality, yet TED videos are normally good.
Mihaly is also a positive psychologist. Positive psychology isn't just about treating mental illness, but studying positive human development. It is thought that focusing solely on disorder could result in limited understanding of a person's condition.
And finally, while he has lived most of his life in America and is essentially, American, he was born in Hungary.
Most likely this will amuse a certain psychologist I know.
To my side, I have "The Decision Book: Fifty models for strategic thinking." It was left in my room since yesterday, and just from a short trip in my bag, it has suffered a few marks on the cover, to the extent that I think I'll secretly buy a replacement.
The book uses a series of models with easy to interpret diagrams and systems.
Systems. Diagrams. I do like me some of those!
This is in order to help ask appropriate questions which in turn - aim to help you find your answer.
This shall be my weapon to increase my philosophy count. *Manic laughter here*
I should explain - I'm having a little competition with a friend of mine. We're trying to write as many profiles for countries and philosophers as we can. The biggest post count at the end of the year wins. You want to ask why we chose those topics? This may help.
So, turning to a random page, I find 'The Flow Model'. This is an indeed very simple model that generously mentions two philosophers. Firstly, two thousand years ago Aristole came to the conclusion that what a person wants above all is to be happy. In 1961, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote "While happiness itself is sought for its own sake, every other goal - health, beauty, money or power -- is valued only because we expect that it will make us happy." He used the term 'flow' as the name of the state of feeling happy, and after interviewing over a thousand people, he found that all responses had certain things in common. When we're in the flow we tend to be intensely focused on an activity, neither under-challenged or over-challenged, with a clear objective that receives immediate feedback.
Following?
This means that his vision of happiness contradicts the idea that relaxation directly follows happiness. Imagine two axis, the y being 'challenges' the other x axis being 'abilities'. There is a line of flow from the 0y, 0x, that rises to a straight positive gradient. If you were to think about the last three challenges you faced, decide the level of challenge it was, compared to the level of ability you had. If they match - you hit into the line of flow. If they don't - you're either above the line of flow - the challenge is too high, therefore you're over-challenged. Or you're too low on the graph and your ability is much higher than the challenge.
I find this an interesting concept.
Just from a quick google search I find he has a video on TED. I still don't have Internet at home, nor have I brought headphones with me today, so I can't judge the quality, yet TED videos are normally good.
Mihaly is also a positive psychologist. Positive psychology isn't just about treating mental illness, but studying positive human development. It is thought that focusing solely on disorder could result in limited understanding of a person's condition.
And finally, while he has lived most of his life in America and is essentially, American, he was born in Hungary.
Most likely this will amuse a certain psychologist I know.
Deafening by Frances Itani
I've finally finished reading "Deafening" after purchasing the book sometime in October. The book did not ask to be rushed, nor was strong enough to hold my interest for too long; yet I can happily reflect that it has been a generally good and worthwhile read.
The main character in Deafening is a deaf girl called Grania, who grows up in the beginning struggling to fit in a family living in a hearing world. She has a talent for reading lips, and her grandmother Mamo encourages Grania to learn how to speak. Deafening is separated into five parts which allow for time skips and different themes. I found the first part was quite interesting, and enjoyed reading about Grania's family and Grania's childhood. Then came the second part of the book, and suddenly Grania has finished school and falls in love with a hearing man called Jim.
Too quick.
Grania grows up quite slowly at first, so it is rather strange that she is suddenly a woman and is in love. I liked the fact Grania was a strong character and very independent, so I was disappointed she was wooed so quickly. Jim on the other hand becomes more and more likeable in the book. From the second part onwards, he slowly becomes more and more interesting, as he joins WW1 and carries wounded soldiers on stretchers back and forth.
I understand that the book is a historical romance, but even so, romance shouldn't just happen like that, it should be developed. I think Frances Itani was keen on exploring deeper into the historical side of the genre, so goes into detail Jim's life during WW1, and his friends he works with. There is the emotion of fear, sadness and longing that Itani portrays well, but it's hard to believe that Grania can be so in love.
The finale of Deafening was probably where all the drama was waiting to orchestrate, and although it seemed quite rushed and sudden, the climax was overly well conducted. As the author's first novel, I feel that Deafening by Frances Itani is quite the impressive read.
The main character in Deafening is a deaf girl called Grania, who grows up in the beginning struggling to fit in a family living in a hearing world. She has a talent for reading lips, and her grandmother Mamo encourages Grania to learn how to speak. Deafening is separated into five parts which allow for time skips and different themes. I found the first part was quite interesting, and enjoyed reading about Grania's family and Grania's childhood. Then came the second part of the book, and suddenly Grania has finished school and falls in love with a hearing man called Jim.
Too quick.
Grania grows up quite slowly at first, so it is rather strange that she is suddenly a woman and is in love. I liked the fact Grania was a strong character and very independent, so I was disappointed she was wooed so quickly. Jim on the other hand becomes more and more likeable in the book. From the second part onwards, he slowly becomes more and more interesting, as he joins WW1 and carries wounded soldiers on stretchers back and forth.
I understand that the book is a historical romance, but even so, romance shouldn't just happen like that, it should be developed. I think Frances Itani was keen on exploring deeper into the historical side of the genre, so goes into detail Jim's life during WW1, and his friends he works with. There is the emotion of fear, sadness and longing that Itani portrays well, but it's hard to believe that Grania can be so in love.
The finale of Deafening was probably where all the drama was waiting to orchestrate, and although it seemed quite rushed and sudden, the climax was overly well conducted. As the author's first novel, I feel that Deafening by Frances Itani is quite the impressive read.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Progress of learning British Sign Language
I have recently been attending a sign language society (more of a 'club') in university where we practice signs, and try to learn them by heart. It's been useful for extending vocabulary, and it's nice to come across simple sentences and realize you can say them in both English, and BSL. I've made a short list, and there are at least 183 signs I can recall. I'd like to increase this amount.
I've decided it would generally be pretty awesome to do something with this hobby - either through writing with deaf characters, getting into education and giving lectures for deaf awareness, raising money for Action on Hearing Loss, etc. At some point in my creative writing course we have to write about a 5 year plan in regards to how to get to a particular career we want to do, or particular life aim, and later, even be mock interviewed for the position. We were told to aim high, but it had to be a job that was being advertised somewhere. As a joke, I thought of applying as a 'Mystery Shopper' in South Korea, (Yes I found an advertisement for one written in English.) but more seriously I think I'm heading towards the lines of following my own interests and making something out of it. Otherwise, I'll just get bored. I should probably start working hard to get a good degree, but I realize it may not be so essential, as I'll need to gain experience than anything else.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
For my past self, for those who can relate, and finally those who can't.
I shouldn't be writing this, I should be much more afraid as I have been all my life. But I am tired, and fed up of the drama and the fear. I have a wonderful boyfriend I plan to spend the rest of my life with, and friends who can see beyond my illnesses. I know there will be times when those who are close to me will not understand, but I assure you past self, that one day, those foundations will wobble and fall and instead of going down with them you are going to build a fresher and more stable home of comfort. No longer will being told 'I can't stand you and your conditions' tear or break you.
I was diagnosed with Lichen Sclerosis by the age of four. This will spread across my body and my past self is bound to be bound to find this upsetting. But this is such a minor issue. Hot water will become a dual emotion of mild pain and mild pleasure, it'll stop the burning sensation for a little while.
But dear past self, the most embarrassing, stressful and painful issue is your digestive system. You see, somewhere along the way, something doesn't work properly, and you cannot pass. Everything that is already inside will build up and rub against walls of muscle - this causes the agony. These walls will become weaker, which means less muscles to help you go. Muscles that are slowly being repaired are constantly being damaged. This is even more painful. Here comes the game - you need to eat. If you don't eat there will not be enough pressure to help push food down and help you pass. But when you eat - that means more food rubbing against muscles that you are afraid will one day become too damaged to become repaired again.
But before you make food remember, you feel heavy, you feel exhausted. All day and all night your body is trying to rid itself of the blockage. Even if you can manage to get some sleep, you'll feel like you've been awake for weeks.
You also feel anxious, depressed, movement becomes painful, if the stomach is disturbed too much you'll need to go. You'll always feel like throwing up. On the occasion, you will, but this passes and gets better with age. But everytime this constant routine reaches the climax, there is so much pressure, that although solids are in the way and stuck, liquid and gases seep through constantly and this is so horrible when you're an adult and cannot control yourself. You feel disgusted about your body and wish to escape it, but it's the only body you have and... By sometime during this routine you'll watch your skin go white and remember your blood doesn't absorb so much iron as normal blood does, you know, because of that 25% chance gene your brother has aswell.
So you make food, and you can feel sick. You leave the dishes in the kitchen, standing hurts and you feel the pressure squeezing already. Your housemates will watch the dishes pile up, and there's no one to help out. Your old close friends will no longer wish to meet up with you, but it's okay because you have those foundations.
You've had depression for as long as you have had your illness, and sometimes you can find things too sad because you are fed up with the pain that you can only liken to kidney stones you had last year. In November, you believed and wanted to give everything up.
But I am writing to tell you not to give up. A fear of smelling bad is actually the anxiety that those you care about will be disgusted with you. When you can only eat a small piece food at a meal in a restaurant, or when you have to excuse a friend for hours at a time, or when you can't leave the house or when you have paranoia and depression - remember those foundations. We all have some choices in regards to our anxieties. I choose not to be afraid anymore. I trust those I love and when I am let down then I will still be strong, as I realise they were never holding me up in the first place. I am no longer my illness. I am me. I will no longer be bound and angry at what I cannot change. I will live my life how it is, and enjoy what I can do, instead of bringing myself down with drama, unwanted and selfish 'kindness' from others that say it's for the best we're not friends, and recklessness.
Inevitably past self, one day you'll feel like this.
So don't give up.
From your nineteen years old equivalent,
Tulin.
I was diagnosed with Lichen Sclerosis by the age of four. This will spread across my body and my past self is bound to be bound to find this upsetting. But this is such a minor issue. Hot water will become a dual emotion of mild pain and mild pleasure, it'll stop the burning sensation for a little while.
But dear past self, the most embarrassing, stressful and painful issue is your digestive system. You see, somewhere along the way, something doesn't work properly, and you cannot pass. Everything that is already inside will build up and rub against walls of muscle - this causes the agony. These walls will become weaker, which means less muscles to help you go. Muscles that are slowly being repaired are constantly being damaged. This is even more painful. Here comes the game - you need to eat. If you don't eat there will not be enough pressure to help push food down and help you pass. But when you eat - that means more food rubbing against muscles that you are afraid will one day become too damaged to become repaired again.
But before you make food remember, you feel heavy, you feel exhausted. All day and all night your body is trying to rid itself of the blockage. Even if you can manage to get some sleep, you'll feel like you've been awake for weeks.
You also feel anxious, depressed, movement becomes painful, if the stomach is disturbed too much you'll need to go. You'll always feel like throwing up. On the occasion, you will, but this passes and gets better with age. But everytime this constant routine reaches the climax, there is so much pressure, that although solids are in the way and stuck, liquid and gases seep through constantly and this is so horrible when you're an adult and cannot control yourself. You feel disgusted about your body and wish to escape it, but it's the only body you have and... By sometime during this routine you'll watch your skin go white and remember your blood doesn't absorb so much iron as normal blood does, you know, because of that 25% chance gene your brother has aswell.
So you make food, and you can feel sick. You leave the dishes in the kitchen, standing hurts and you feel the pressure squeezing already. Your housemates will watch the dishes pile up, and there's no one to help out. Your old close friends will no longer wish to meet up with you, but it's okay because you have those foundations.
You've had depression for as long as you have had your illness, and sometimes you can find things too sad because you are fed up with the pain that you can only liken to kidney stones you had last year. In November, you believed and wanted to give everything up.
But I am writing to tell you not to give up. A fear of smelling bad is actually the anxiety that those you care about will be disgusted with you. When you can only eat a small piece food at a meal in a restaurant, or when you have to excuse a friend for hours at a time, or when you can't leave the house or when you have paranoia and depression - remember those foundations. We all have some choices in regards to our anxieties. I choose not to be afraid anymore. I trust those I love and when I am let down then I will still be strong, as I realise they were never holding me up in the first place. I am no longer my illness. I am me. I will no longer be bound and angry at what I cannot change. I will live my life how it is, and enjoy what I can do, instead of bringing myself down with drama, unwanted and selfish 'kindness' from others that say it's for the best we're not friends, and recklessness.
Inevitably past self, one day you'll feel like this.
So don't give up.
From your nineteen years old equivalent,
Tulin.
The Next Post, and life.
I can't say things have been entirely smooth.
But it certainly has been interesting.
I have recently recieved an e-mail about an art/creative writing project about writing a letter to my "past self", and it comes at a time when there are things left unsaid, and things I've never even dared mention to others because of fear, or not being able to get others to listen. I watch and I can hear the silent 'whys' around me, and the burning, gaining anger when there are questions others never ask. Through either my fault or from the other side, it has caused seperation, confusion, even at times, losing close friends. It has also caused a lot of anxiety, because I can sometimes be desperate, and clingy. I don't want to lose people because of faults I cannot control. But I have to learn that I must accept this, and those who can accept me and my habits are true and healthy for me, and I can be true and healthy to them too. A while ago, I told someone who I loved dearly about my illness, and as it turned out, everything was fine, although I was convinced my illness would inevitably cause people to turn away. After that event, it later turned others away, but although it hurt, I am going to try not to be afraid anymore. I am going to write this letter, and I'm going to post this on my blog and see what happens. All I can hope for is to achieve some kind of understanding.
Also, this post sounds incredibly cheesy and I really do apologise. I'm round my 'Uncle's house, with two other really good mates, listening to metal covers with cans of strongbow, plenty of vodka and a monsterous pizza sandwich with doner kebab meat inbetween. So yeah.
Sowwie.
-Clicks publish-
But it certainly has been interesting.
I have recently recieved an e-mail about an art/creative writing project about writing a letter to my "past self", and it comes at a time when there are things left unsaid, and things I've never even dared mention to others because of fear, or not being able to get others to listen. I watch and I can hear the silent 'whys' around me, and the burning, gaining anger when there are questions others never ask. Through either my fault or from the other side, it has caused seperation, confusion, even at times, losing close friends. It has also caused a lot of anxiety, because I can sometimes be desperate, and clingy. I don't want to lose people because of faults I cannot control. But I have to learn that I must accept this, and those who can accept me and my habits are true and healthy for me, and I can be true and healthy to them too. A while ago, I told someone who I loved dearly about my illness, and as it turned out, everything was fine, although I was convinced my illness would inevitably cause people to turn away. After that event, it later turned others away, but although it hurt, I am going to try not to be afraid anymore. I am going to write this letter, and I'm going to post this on my blog and see what happens. All I can hope for is to achieve some kind of understanding.
Also, this post sounds incredibly cheesy and I really do apologise. I'm round my 'Uncle's house, with two other really good mates, listening to metal covers with cans of strongbow, plenty of vodka and a monsterous pizza sandwich with doner kebab meat inbetween. So yeah.
Sowwie.
-Clicks publish-
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