Despite all the best intentions from friends and family, all the kindness and the roses and the praises...
Despite all the love and the smiles, and the miles and miles I've recently travelled,
I just cannot help but think "I cannot do this."
It's because it's true.
About half an hour ago I kept on writing. I usually try to have some kind of positive spin at the end of my posts, but I simply was not getting anywhere. Sometimes, it's healthy to rest for a bit after certain events happen - rest, and then go back to being productive. I've rested, but the productivity isn't really happening. I need to figure what I can actually do I suppose.
Thursday 19 March 2015
Saturday 14 March 2015
Living
Right now I find myself typing on my Nanna's computer, sitting next to some freshly printed cupcake recipes. To my right, the window dictates that this afternoon has become a lot sunnier since this morning, highlighting the brown-red brick of two semi-detached bungalows.
Inside, my 3DS lays still with minimal power, and my magic the gathering cards are laid almost carelessly across the dining table. I will need to tidy up before dinner. There is a bowl of cereal that I have been eating now and then, between sentences. I can hear the nostalgia of the commercialised 'pop' of the rice crispies lightly filling the silence when I pause for a moment and think about what to type next. The keyboard makes each new word sound like an effort, or an expression. I like how with most keyboards, certain types of keys always sound different. For example the space bar tends to have this 'lighter note', perhaps a 'ta ta', while the letters sound a bit dull 'tol tol tol' or 'dol dol dol'. The backspace on this keyboard is more a sharp 'Wa wa wa'.
I also notice that, slouched on the table with long handles poking in various angles, are some saucepans. A gift from my auntie, reinforced by my grandparents. Their silver reflects some of the window light. I think that's poetic. It's an awful shame really, that I might not be able to use them soon. I might be moving again.
Recently, a couple of people have asked me what I would like to do, how would I like to move on. I've told them, I don't really know right now. Often, the word 'anymore' pops in too. I don't really know what I want to do anymore. My previous ambitions seemed to have dashed in a very sudden manner recently.
My Nanna watched me type these paragraphs, and I paused for a moment. She smiled and told me how she liked to watch how fast I could type. I followed the smile, stood up, and told her that in Primary school I once went to the place where they make the East Anglican newspaper. I found the factory and the trip very interesting. Near the end, we passed some offices, where there were a lot of people at work, typing very fast without looking at the keys. I told my teacher "I can do that!" and I remember distinctly that the teacher said "No Stacey, no you can't." I like this memory. Later that same day, I practice touch typing. I didn't need to practice for long, as my extensive use of the computer in my childhood and as I grew older gave me all the practice I needed. My Nanna seemed to enjoy the story. I said "See, I had ambitions once!" Then my Nanna said "You still do! You just don't always see them when you're older. Sometimes things get in the way." I agreed. "That's life for you isn't it?"
We had a quick chat while I put the empty dish into the kitchen.
Life is what we make it, right?
Inside, my 3DS lays still with minimal power, and my magic the gathering cards are laid almost carelessly across the dining table. I will need to tidy up before dinner. There is a bowl of cereal that I have been eating now and then, between sentences. I can hear the nostalgia of the commercialised 'pop' of the rice crispies lightly filling the silence when I pause for a moment and think about what to type next. The keyboard makes each new word sound like an effort, or an expression. I like how with most keyboards, certain types of keys always sound different. For example the space bar tends to have this 'lighter note', perhaps a 'ta ta', while the letters sound a bit dull 'tol tol tol' or 'dol dol dol'. The backspace on this keyboard is more a sharp 'Wa wa wa'.
I also notice that, slouched on the table with long handles poking in various angles, are some saucepans. A gift from my auntie, reinforced by my grandparents. Their silver reflects some of the window light. I think that's poetic. It's an awful shame really, that I might not be able to use them soon. I might be moving again.
Recently, a couple of people have asked me what I would like to do, how would I like to move on. I've told them, I don't really know right now. Often, the word 'anymore' pops in too. I don't really know what I want to do anymore. My previous ambitions seemed to have dashed in a very sudden manner recently.
My Nanna watched me type these paragraphs, and I paused for a moment. She smiled and told me how she liked to watch how fast I could type. I followed the smile, stood up, and told her that in Primary school I once went to the place where they make the East Anglican newspaper. I found the factory and the trip very interesting. Near the end, we passed some offices, where there were a lot of people at work, typing very fast without looking at the keys. I told my teacher "I can do that!" and I remember distinctly that the teacher said "No Stacey, no you can't." I like this memory. Later that same day, I practice touch typing. I didn't need to practice for long, as my extensive use of the computer in my childhood and as I grew older gave me all the practice I needed. My Nanna seemed to enjoy the story. I said "See, I had ambitions once!" Then my Nanna said "You still do! You just don't always see them when you're older. Sometimes things get in the way." I agreed. "That's life for you isn't it?"
We had a quick chat while I put the empty dish into the kitchen.
Life is what we make it, right?
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