Not going

I feel as I don't really have anyone to talk to, so this is why I'm writing this post. Because I think, you know, maybe it takes away the loneliness just a little, as I feel like I'm going to burst.

I have not been able to make any advance on my deadlines. I can't write a single word towards them, a tangible block that seems to be beyond procrastination. I am very afraid of not doing things in time, but nevertheless find it difficult to concentrate. I have been having chest pains for a long time. It is hard to breath - and concentrating breathing, you're having a laugh right?

My words are getting mixed up. My pen is dull. That is probably one of the worse things, because speaking out loud is never my forté. Giving opinions on things is scary, because things tend to snap. Friends tend to snap. But things left unsaid also makes things snap. But life isn't about winning, is it?

How many times can I answer 'how are you?' I prefer to say alright, I prefer to say okay. I long to say that no, no indeed I am not ok, no indeed I am struggling, but then indeed, that silence, when you recieve 'sorry to hear that' - and then the nothingness. It has come to the point where the rounds of conversation - though scripted - are worth more than that awkward silence, because that confirms that yes, there is indeed something not great about your situation, and yes, you are indeed a lost cause.

I miss old friends very much. Some words I may exchange here and there. I may read about so and so's problem, and that is nice. And I hope they feel better for it, that'd be great.

But kinda, sinking over here. Maybe I should be alone in the first place.