Now ten steps back.
I think it was the 10th, when I posted those uninteresting photos that I felt kinda happy since quite a while. It was because I made progress. I finally started work on things I've been avoiding and things I've been wanting to do but just haven't had the creative energy to do so.
Yesterday and today I have made no real progress, only damaging things around me by mood swings and silly things like that. I still need to mature. It's a bit strange, but imagine a planet going around an orbit. I think, since my second year of uni, a comet hit and the orbit has been rather screwed. In fact, this planet has no real idea where it's going. I would really love to settle, relax, not have this racing heart beat all the time, not this stress that impacts my vision, this ringing in my ears and the numbness of my hands.
Fade.
Imagine if film was in writing. No, not like a script, but as a writing medium - perhaps like a blog, where you literally write the transitions from scene to scene. Fade. I like that. I like that word.
Moving on. Side sweep.
There is a stool right beside me and the desk. Looming over the stool is at least an inch thick of documents I need to scan about my failure. Goodness me, that's rather dramatic isn't it?-- But, they each document how me feeling depressed, me feeling sad has caused me to lose my job, to see health professionals, etc. They each document how I've risen - tried very hard, only to fall again. I need to look at every single document, and upload them onto this laptop by today. I need to accept them and move on I guess. I am not feeling very well at all today. I think I will feel better when today is over.
Again. That repetition. That curtling, hurtling recognition, just a smidgen off tone. Fade into grey.
I feel very destructive today.
No comments:
Post a Comment